Chris George
Trolls Are Hot
I knew he was the one the moment I laid eyes on him. I loved his silky hair, his chiseled abs, his big, soulful eyes, and his velvet toned voice. He sat alone at the lunch table across from me in school. I just had to talk to him.
“Hi!” I said.
“Hey,” he replied.
“My name’s Megan, and…and…ohmigosh I think you’re really cute.”
“Oh. My name’s Alvin. Alvin E’hoar.”
“I like your name! Is it Irish?”
“No, it’s Troll.”
I just couldn’t believe what this dreamboat was saying. “Troll?”
“Yes, I’m a troll. My whole family is.”
“You are not! You’re so silly Alvin!” I giggled at him and left.
“I’m being serious!” Alvin told me as I left.
Later that day, as I was walking home from school, I noticed something strange. Under the interstate overpass I go by every day, I saw furniture. Brand new sofas, a flat screen TV, bureaus, a dining table, beds, even a bathtub. It looked like a house, except everything happened to be outside. As I approached this curious place, I saw You-Know-Who again.
“Megan, is it? I told you I wasn’t lying. This is where my family lives.”
“Alvin, my boy, who’s your friend?” his father asked. “Come over here and introduce her to me. We’re just about to sit down for dinner.”
Alvin took me over to his parents and they graciously invited me for dinner.
“What’s your name, child?”
“Megan,” I replied.
“What a lovely name. I’m Gordon. I know, it’s hard to believe that we’re Trolls, but we’ve always looked just like humans. It’s just that your kind has always portrayed us as ugly in their stories. We’re decent folk, really.”
“Our family used to live under the bridge on Old Route 94,” explained Alvin.
“You mean the bridge over Little Hampton Creek?” I inquired.
“Yep,” chimed Gordon, “we used to charge toll for going over that bridge. That’s how we made a living. But when the interstate was built, people stopped driving on that road. So we moved here and tried to do the same thing. Lemme tell ya, it just ain’t the same. Trying to collect toll from people going 70 miles an hour is a mite bit tough unless you’re the Transportation Department.”
“So what do you do for a living now?”
“I work as a freelance web designer. No one suspects a thing, since Trolls look just like humans. There are certain habits I need to remember to keep in check, but I’m getting ahead of myself now.”
“That’s funny, because on the Internet, there are people called ‘trolls’ who post on websites to make people angry. Do you ever have to deal with them?”
“Only when I work for high profile clients. Occasionally I’ll do some work for the government, and a few hooligans will crash the site just as soon as I have it up. I really wish people would stop calling them ‘trolls’. It defames our people. But such is the state of affairs between us and humans.”
“Mr. E’hoar-“
“Please, call me Gordy.”
“Thanks, but, it’s getting late. My parents don’t know where I am and are probably worried by now. It was nice talking and eating with you, though.”
“Oh, no trouble, Missy. Here, take this,” Gordon handed me a book about Troll culture. “This has everything you’d ever care to know about trolls. And if you have any other questions, just drop me a line. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I gave them a smile and started back home, but not before winking to Alvin. He just stammered at me. How cute.
That night, I read the book Alvin’s dad gave to me. It was the most engrossing thing I’ve ever read. All aspects of the Trolls were laid bare to me. Did you know that a Troll’s skin hardens in sunlight? They don’t even need sunscreen! That’s so hot. And there’s a reason why they collect tolls. The coins are like status symbols. The more coins, and the shiner the coins, mean the higher the status for the family. I wonder how many coins Alvin’s family has?
The next day at school, Chelsea, the resident mean girl, came up to me.
“Hey, I heard you went out with that Alvin kid,” she said while chewing gum. “That guy is mine. You’re too much of a dork for him!”
“Hey, shut up!” I shouted. “I did not go out with him! We aren’t ready for that yet.”
“Oh! Did you hear, girls? Megan’s ‘not ready for dating’! Oh, how precious!” Chelsea said maliciously. She and her posse began jeering.
It was then that Alvin walked by.
“Hey Megan,” he said in his customary aloof manner. “I really appreciate you coming to visit me yesterday. Are you friends with Chelsea?”
“As if!” I said.
“Hey Ally boy, why hang out with this loser. Come with me, I’ll show you a good time!”
“No thanks, Chelsea.”
“What did you say?”
“I don’t want to date anyone right now. What’s important is that I graduate from here so I can start providing for my family.”
My heart sank a little when I heard that. But I was confident I could change his mind. Chelsea, on the other hand….
“Fine! You’re such a slut anyway! Who needs you! Come on girls, let’s get outta here.”
And with that, she left.
“Did I hear you right, Alvin? You don’t want to date me?” I asked, my voice quivering ever so slightly.
“It’s not that I don’t want to date you specifically. It’s just that one day my Dad will no longer be able to care for himself, and he’ll need someone to look after him. If he went to a nursing home, they’d realize he’s a Troll sooner or later. There’s no telling what would happen then. So I need to study hard so I can get scholarships and earn enough to support him. Maybe one day, if I’m ever famous, I can show people Trolls aren’t bad at all. But that’s way in the future. I must keep my eyes ahead while focusing on now. Do you get it?”
“I think so…”
“You seem like a very nice girl. Maybe someday, something will happen between us. But for now, I’m happy just being friends with you.”
“Yeah, thanks for being a friend.”
“You’re welcome.”
Alvin then winked at me and left. I spent the rest of the day thinking about Alvin, how even if he is famous one day, we’ll still be friends. I dearly hope he keeps that promise. He’s too sexy for me to lose.