The agony of becoming a parent to a child who has the same parents I do.
I held him tightly,
in fear that if I let go he would disintegrate into what my parents wished us to become.
Disappear into the perfect cookie cutter children we were trained to be,
dissolve into the madness of never fitting the role.
I love you to the moon and back, little brother.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
Screams curdling in the back of my throat like the two week old milk no one drank because my sister left it here when she left us.
Cries that get caught in my throat like a heartbeat
The words rang in my head as she walked out the front door.
They mute my sobs, begging her to not leave me in the middle of the warfare
Of my mother and father’s slamming doors and the spitfire of fully automatic insults.
Does your heart still beat for me?
“I love you to the moon and back, little sister.”
Because there is no more “little sister.”
Now I am big,
Now I am grown,
Raising a child that isn't even my own.
We may be the same blood, but what draws the line between matron and sister.
It is the love that expands in my chest with every breath,
I breathe for you, brother.
Every day my heart beats to make it to the moon
And every day, for the rest of my life, my heart will beat to come back to you.
I want to scream.
“Brother!
I love you with every beat of my heart,
with every breath in my lungs,
I will love you until the day I die.”
You will never feel how I feel, little brother.
Lean on me and I shall bring you to the moon and show you the entire galaxy along the way.
Come with me out of this burning house,
Let me bring you home.
Home among the stars and the moon,
Let me keep you in the safest place I know, my arms
Let me hold you through this pain,
Let me hold you as tight as the vines around my heart hold my love for you.
Lean on me, little brother.
Even as the years go by,
I still hold you as tight as the vines around my heart hold my fear in letting you go,
You will always be my little brother.
“But big sister, I see the battles you fight. Let me go, big sister. For I am not so little anymore.”
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