Just wondering if you compare her to me
Like I compare him to you
Wondering if you revert to bad habits and bite your nails
Like I pick at the scabs on my arms when I think of you
Wondering if you buy her that same perfume
that you loved on me.
Wondering if she reads you her selfish love poems
and wondering if you hang on her every word
Wondering why I can’t get you out of my head
Wondering if you even wonder about me at all
Do you remember it the same way I do?
How we moved too fast and scared each other
How after we separated we ran as far away from home as possible
Wouldn’t admit that they were right about us.
Honestly they didn’t know anything but the lies we told them.
You were the first real love I tasted
First real war I felt inside
First time I saw a soul ripped out through the heart
I made you crazy
But you drove me insane.
Then again this isn’t about the fighting,
though remembering it makes missing you easier.
This is about the sickness I feel when I think about the horrible things we did to each other.
The lies we told
I’m sorry for that
I’m sorry thinking about you makes me want to be medicated
The idea of us meeting again is a trigger I didn’t know I had.
The idea of seeing those eyes, those lips…
God, your voice…
For a moment I’d get lost in you again, I know it.
The way you smelled after you’d walk home in the rain
The way tobacco didn’t taste so bad to me if it came from your lips
The way your laughter infected me
I’d think of the ways you used to love me
I’d wonder why we ever strayed so far from love
Then I’d remember
and I’d suffocate.
“Wondering” by Heather Wallen
